Monday, September 19, 2011

My Vows didn't have a “Boredom Clause”


I am beginning to think that some marriages are coming with a 'Boredom Clause'. Somewhere in the fine print, whispered at the end, there must be one. “Til Death do us Part, or I'm just not feelin' it anymore.”

A wedding is not merely a reason to have a party. You don't get married because it is 'time'. Thousands upon thousands of dollars are spent for the extravaganza that is the bride's BIG DAY. Heinous dresses, gimongous sprays of flowers, battles over ivory or ecru invitations are seeming requirements these days in order for a couple to say “I Do”. Were these couples to spend one-tenth the time, money and planning it took to pull off the wedding on such endeavors as pre-marital counseling and discussing how they view life and the future, we could save a whole-lotta heartache.

I have recently run into several couples that have made the decision to get divorced. Most have children. One or the other of them has decided that this marriage was too constricting, maybe they could do better, or it wasn't quite what they expected. So, rather than re-examine how they got here, remember why they fell in love to begin with, and commit to ride out the tough time, they call it quits. The ones that irritate me the most are the ones who say “We're still great friends”. I see red just thinking about it. Don't degrade the term marriage with such a cavalier attitude. If you are still great friends, you really didn't try hard enough.

My marriage is a little over 18 years old now. I had NO IDEA the twists, turns and pitfalls we would endure. There have been many times when the ease of just being able to go-it-alone has crossed my mind. Yield and compromise are rare in my fighting style. Suffering through, asking for help, and coming to an agreement are a close second to walking barefoot on crushed glass. In the end, however the benefits of working it out FAR outweighed the alternative. I love my husband with a fierce devotion. Our shared experiences make us who we are and enrich our lives. We stay together because you reap the benefits of the effort. We decided to do that when we got married. It wasn't a whim, it wasn't a trial offer. It was a vow.

~Conia

6 comments:

  1. Well said Conia! Marriage is a difficult road and in my humble opinion, one that many enter without much thought. Trail offers do not pertain to marriage:)
    Elizabeth

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  2. I know in my case, the "we're still friends" part is due TOTALLY to making things more tolerable for the kids. Otherwise, I'd be happy never seeing him again. It's only those closest to you who can really rip you to shreds. I, for my part, never gave up. I tried for about five years to fix things. Hell, I'd probably STILL be trying. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. While I refuse to be bitter and dwell in the past, I do visit there every so often and grieve. In many ways, things are easier now and waaay less stressful. But what I wouldn't give to have been able to get through his thick skull that we were worth fighting for. I know he thinks he did. But we never got to try TOGETHER. What now? Work on myself as a person and prepare for the future I never expected. And do my best to help my sons grow up to be fine men. They'll never know how much their dad hurt me. I want them to have the relationship with him that they should. He's not evil. He just stopped caring. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. (I suspect you know who this is. I'd appreciate keeping it anonymous. :) )

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  3. Conia...so tickled you are tackling a blog. I've considered it often, as I frequently have thoughts rambling about my brain that I have no interest in sharing on Facebook, but would find catharsis in sharing with others of like mind. I read recently that our fear of success stops us more often that our fear of failure. An interesting supposition, but upon consideration has merit. I am actually not afraid of leaping into a new venture and failing, as I never cared much of what others believed, and care even less the older I get. However, the idea of being wildly successful at certain crazy ideas, conjures up all manner of frightening images, not the least of which is "who will read to my girls and make sure they had their Mona Vie"! Silliness certainly, but a debilitating fear none the less! Kudos to you on your new adventures in blogging...here's to brave new frontiers! Nancy

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  4. Your blog is a real treat for me. I find myself in fast foward mode so often that I don't often stop to connect with other like-minded ladies. Kids, work, laundry, bills...who has time to just simply stop and think?
    I survived a failed marriage ( and no, we are not friends because it takes two people being civil for that to happen) and am happily ensconced in a second foray into matrimony. My heart was so crushed, my spirit so broken after my divorce I thought I could never love again and was haunted by the guilt. Could I have repaired the relationship? No. Could I have tried harder? No. There are those three little things that are deal breakers and they all start with an A: abuse, adultery and addiction.
    We just have to acknowledge that God knows our hearts and will heal them in time. I went into my second marriage with no notions of fancy dress or lavish celebration. I just knew that I would not want to live without him however imperfect we both are. Marriage does not banish moments of loneliness no matter how great the relatioship. Strain and disappointment are a part of Life's great goody bag. There are rotten moments when I wonder if we are too different or if I bore him but then we spend some time together and rediscover what brought us together in the first place.

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  5. News Junkie - so glad that you are enjoying the blog! Here's to your long and rewarding romance. ;o)

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  6. Nancy - thanks for your encouragement!

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